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eight months ago, i left the farm and went to
iowa city to the university. so much has happened
since then; i have met many new people, plain
people and sophisticated ones, some just out of
high school like myself, and others who have been
matured by years in the service, or struggles to
pay their way in school. at first, i felt it would
be hard, not having too much money but i soon found
out that i was a millionaire in comparison to some
that i met.
money has been one of my best teachers so far in
this search for 'higher education'. i can't exactly
say that money has been the teacher: the things one
needs money for, and not having it to do the things
one wants to do - like going to chicago or taking a
long trip during easter vacation. or just buying
lots of records as i'd like to do, or buying a
typewriter i could put to such good use, even doing
things like going to good shows - the best ones
always manage to come to town just when you are
broke. but as i have said, i reconcile myself when
the thought of others far worse off than i am.
when i left the farm that warm september day, i
was near tears; it wasn't the anticipation of
homesickness, at least i don't think so. i wasn't
really homesick until the following spring. i guess
the reason i was so near crying was the thought of
leaving mom and dad home alone. that sounds silly i
guess, but if you had had six kids; at least one of
them home at some time or another, things would be
a lot different when the last one left. i, as the
'baby' realized that i would be missed - i knew
that my mother would miss me, because i had taken
over most of the housework - cleaning and some of
the cooking, and had at times helped with chores
and also had mowed the lawn for the last four
years. these don't sound like much but they add up
to a lot of work for a mother who is already
overworked and worried about her three youngest
children and a nervous, dissipated husband. i think
i felt extremely guilty because i knew i had often
shirked my jobs, and passed them off and let her do
them., this is one of my father's little traits
that disgust me so much and it disgusts me as much
when i see it in myself.
also, when i left home, i left behind a nice boy
- all of 26 years of age. he seemed to me very
knowing, he said he loved me, which flattered my
ego, making me think i loved him. altho this last
statement is not exactly true. i always had the
feeling that i was better than he, i don't know
exactly why. as i think about it now, i think how
silly it all was. i think i've acquired some thing
which helps me to understand a man a little better
now. maybe not understanding, but just getting
along with them. that is more frankness, the
courage to speak out what's on my mind concerning
him. i'm not as afraid of what they'll say as i
used to be. when i was in high school, i seldom
dated anyone and when all your girlfriends are
dating, you begin to wonder what's wrong with
yourself. it gives one a sort of inferiority
complex when you have that all around you. that's
why jim appealed to me that summer - he dimmed that
complex, and in a way i guess he helped me to get
rid of it. one thing i know now is that i could
never start going with jim any more - his
seriousness in life, which is quite all right,
would drive me crazy. it's wrong to compare him to
fellows i've met at school, and the situation is
also very different, but the guys i've met in the
last eight months have been gay and able to get out
and have a good time - they had their serious side
too, but it was different. if they were worried
about the future, sometimes it was made into a
joke, maybe a little bitter but not allowed to get
the best of them.
i have had, what some people might say a fair
sample of college, and should know if it is the
thing for me, if it can give me what i want. but at
this time, i am further from a decision than i ever
was. i am more puzzled as to what i really want out
of college, out of life. i have been told
repeatedly that it is foolish for me to worry -
college is the place to be if you don't know what
you want. ok, so i am in college, spending upwards
of $600 for the year, while some of my friends are
out earning their own way. there too i have been
reassured, that they are leading their own lives,
forget about them - it's your life and not to be
guided by them. don't worry about the money that is
being spent to put you thru school - if it were too
much effort for your parents, they could withdraw
that help. but am i a good investment ? when i
don't do my work, and get bad grades ( or even when
i do work like a demon and still do the same thing
) i feel guilty and ashamed. then i remember the
words that are so controversial - 'it isn't the
grades that matter, it's what you're actually
learning'.
another thing that bothers me sometime is the
thought of getting married - i'm not so sure that i
wouldn't want to marry someone any day, as to go on
to finish school. but as i think about it i know i
won't marry for quite a few years. why ? because i
know i am not mature enough to create the kind of
home i want - for a husband and children. and as i
look at the young people who mean the most to me -
my sister and brother, their friends, i feel how
silly, immature these thoughts of marriage are.
i think that these young people have a great
deal of ambition. i know i shall never be fired
with whatever it is that has spurred them on, and i
stand in awe and respect of them. i know they're
not perfect by any means, but there is something
about them that serves as a sort of guiding light
for me. i guess the two that have provided the
strongest examples are my sister and , oddly
enough, the neighbor boy. i could not begin to
mention all the things my sister has influenced me
in : it could go on forever. the neighbor boy ?
he's 20 now, and holds a big place in my heart. i
can't remember when he didn't. when i was in 8th
grade, i had an autograph book, and i the place for
the signature of "my hero", he put his. he was a
sophomore, and to me he was wonderful. i could
hardly wait for the day when i could be in the
assembly too and catch glimpses of him more often.
whenever he talked to me, my tongue twisted in
knots, i blushed and could never utter a word. you
would think by now that i would have outgrown this
silly fault but i haven't, tho it's not quite as
bad.
one winter, i think it was when i was a
sophomore, maury helped us chore because dad had
injured himself i some way. sometimes i would go
out to the barnyard and sit around while maury
pitched the silage out to the cattle, climbing up
into the silo with him. i don't know if i made a
pest of myself or not: i doubt if i did because he
probably considered me as just a silly little kid.
altho i wonder. about this same winter, one night
he drove dad and i up town. when we got home, he
carried the groceries into the house and went into
the living room to read - or something, i don't
remember what he did. he picked up a little worn
volume of poetry and asked me if i liked poetry. of
course i did, and we sat down across from each
other at the dining room table. he asked me to read
something - i don't even remember what it was, but
when i finished, he said, " you felt silly reading
that outloud, didn't you ? ". as i remember, i
mumbled an embarrassed 'uh-huh', tho now, i wonder
what he meant, behind those words.
i think one of the reasons i always was so shy
with him was the way he seemed to know what you
were thinking or felt like. on this particular
night, i had been upset and nearly crying on the
way home from town. he seemed to know this and that
was probably the reason for what he did when we got
home. he asked me if " i'd like to walk part way
home with him - we live about an eighth of a mile
apart with a dredged ditch between. the bridge over
the ditch has been a traditional meeting and
parting place for our two families, so it was not
too unusual for us to walk there together. at this
spot, on a sparkling moonlight and snow winter
night, this idol of my heart kissed me. he was the
first boy to ever kiss me, and at that time i
thought a kiss meant a great deal. i don't know
what it meant to him, but to me it signified much.
i went home that night and thought of nothing but
him - there was never a happier girl as on that
sunday morning. but things like that never last,
and this elation was shot from under me that
afternoon when maury came into the house at chore
time, and asking where i was, came upstairs. he
said, i think now with no little bit of difficulty,
that he was sorry about what happened last night
and would i just forget about it ? oh yes, also not
to mention it to any of my friends. i smiled and
said sure, that's all right. he said thanks, turned
and went out to do chores. i cried my heart out
that night and have shed many more tears since
then. i don't know if this adoration of maury is
just a crush that i haven't been able to shake off:
something that would probably die if i knew him
really well. i think it is something that only time
will tell.
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